A Story that Isn't a Story
Nearly all writers face instances when they can't figure out how to organize their stories. J.R. Moehringer takes this writers block and uses it to his advantage with "23 Reasons Why a Profile of Pete Carroll Does Not Appear in this Space." This story in Los Angeles magazine describes the life of the famed coach of the University of Southern California by turning the usual profile structure inside out and upside down. The reasons Moehringer lists are hysterical including "I Still Don't Know How to Casually and Smoothly Insert the Obligatory Bio Material, Which Is Why I've Waited This Long" and "To Write a Profile That's Accurate, I'd Be Obligated to Describe a Bizarre and Humiliating Contest of Wills between the Coach and Me." One of the funniest passages comes under the heading "I'm Unable to Describe Carroll's Appearance without Sounding Gay."
His hair, however, might be his signature feature. A puffy palette of white, silver, and gray, it reminds you sometimes of Bill Clinton, other times of Dick Van Dyke. Now you see follicular intimations of Richard Gere, now you see flashes of Phil Donahue, now a fleck or two of Jack Kemp. A journalist friend, when I mention that I’m writing a profile of Carroll— before I realized I couldn’t write a profile of Carroll—says the coach has always seemed to him the paragon of kicked-back cool, the Burt Bacharach of coaches. It’s a fine, and fittingly hair-focused, comparison.